So, you’ve decided to give up. No New Year’s Resolutions for losing weight, you say! You’re fed up of all the diets that have promised you great results yet left you hungry, tired, irritable and weak. You’re fed up of all the "wonder workouts" that have promised you amazing strength, fitness and flexibility ‘in just minutes a day’ but that have left you feeling tired, sore, stiff and, truth be told, no firmer or less flabby than you were before. But most of all, you’re fed up of all those fitness "experts" out there who tell you how easy it is, how little time it takes and how amazing you’re going to look if you follow THEIR program (ONLY theirs, mind you, no-one else’s will even come near to what they’re offering).
So you’re quitting.
You’re giving up the diet and exercise thing and have decided that you’ll just go with the flow and see what happens to your body when the experts aren’t poking their noses into your business and ramming their idea of healthy down your throat.
What a great idea!
No more "eat this" or "don’t eat that". In fact, no more interference of any kind from the countless do-gooders who seem to think that it’s ok for them to advise, nag and bully you into following all kinds of fat loss and fitness advice’ as long as it’s theirs.
Good on you!
But before you take the quitters route that most people take, doesn’t it make sense to quit in the right way? Sure it does! There’s a science to quitting too, you know, and I’m just the ones to share it with you. So here’s the deal. If you want to quit and quit fast, if you want to pack on pound after pound of soft, warm, figure-blurring body fat, then you’ve got to have a strategy. You’ve got to have a plan. MY plan is easy, straightforward and six-year-old-simple to follow and consists of just seven rules that, if you follow them, will guarantee you the maximum fat gain in the shortest time frame.
It consists of just 7 rules....
Rule one: Only eat processed foods
If you're truly serious about packing on some serious fat-pounds, you'll follow this rule faithfully. Without a doubt, processed foods are the No.1 friend to fat due to their denatured, sugar-loaded and mostly synthetic nature. With most of the vitamins and minerals removed from processed foods, the highly calorific and mostly indigestible remain, creating a massive storehouse of both calories and toxins for you to bury deep within your already overloaded fatty tissues. Better still, the toxic nature of most processed foods mean that you'll gain not only fat but a whole lot of subcutaneous water too as your body tries to dilute the impact of all the extra toxins you're holding onto, meaning that you'll put on extra scale weight and look soft and squidgy into the bargain. Great stuff!
Rule two: Cram in as many starchy carbs as you can
Starchy carbs eaten in isolation or, better yet, with sugary carbs are an absolutely fantastic way to accelerate the battle of the bulge and gain both fat and body weight at a more rapid pace. Eating carbohydrates in isolation allows your hormones to engage in a free-running form of guerrilla warfare where insulin levels raise through the roof and, in doing so, command your body to store fat. A word of warning though; whatever you do, don't mix your starches with fats or proteins. This reduces both the amount and the effect of all that lovely insulin and will definitely scupper your chances at serious fat gain.
Rule Three: Get to bed as late as you can
If rapid fat gain is your greatest desire, then make sure that you get to bed as late as you possibly can, with the ideal scenario being that you stay up so late every night that you fall asleep on the sofa. Doing this will ensure a steady supply of the stress hormone cortisol into your bloodstream to help you break down all that energy-consuming lean muscle tissue that?s slowing down your fat gain. Just don't ruin the effect by getting to bed by 10:30 or you'll find that the cortisol levels drop far too low to cannibalise your muscle and you may even find that you lose all your precious fat!
Rule four: Steer clear of water
Drink too much water and you'll not only do away with you body's false food cravings (meaning that you won't eat unnecessarily), but you'll also create a freer flowing route for the digestion of the foods you've eaten. Obviously, this is a bad thing as it means you won't keep undigested foods in your stomach long enough for them to go putrid and add to the overall toxic load on your system. Remember, anything that speeds up your metabolism is bad! Instead, use coffee, tea and soda to 'mix up' your metabolism and increase toxicity.
Rule five: Don't forget the alcohol!
Alcohol is just about as pure a sugar source as you can get and is absolutely jam-packed with calories that contribute nothing to the function of your body. Better still, alcohol adds to your toxic load meaning that you'll hold a large amount of water too!
Rule six: Use the microwave for all of your cooking
Microwaves are great! During the heating process they vibrate the molecules of your food so fast that they actually change their structure, meaning that when you eat nuked food, your body has no idea about how to cope with them, let alone extract nutrition from them. This is fantastic for your fat gain quest because you'll be adding to your toxic load AND creating a surplus of non-nutritional calories, meaning that you'll get hungry again very soon after eating and have another opportunity to stock up on calories.
Rule seven: Avoid all unnecessary movement
There's no getting away from it, movement of any kind costs you valuable calorie-energy and robs you of the vital fat building stores that'll be necessary for your quest. Stay as still as you can to conserve as much energy as possible and commit to using as many labor-saving devices you can find. Things like remote controls, stair lifts, escalators, etc all serve a valuable role in the creation of your fat stores, so use them. If you are forced to move, then whatever you do, don't engage in any form of activity that might lead to an increase in strength or muscle mass as this'll speed up your metabolism and rob you of calories. Instead, engage in steady-state, slow aerobic activities as these are energy efficient and have the added benefit of increasing cortisol and, in doing so, breaking down that calorie-robbing muscle tissue.
So that?s it!
Your seven rules that, if followed, will absolutely guarantee that you pack on fat faster than you'd ever believe possible and allow you to thumb your nose and poke your tongue out at every personal trainer or diet guru who ever promised you a rapid result from following their plans. Follow just one or two of them for even a short time and you'll see a rapid softening of the waistline and an appreciable gain in scale-weight. Follow them all and you'll gain so much weight that you'll be stunned by the reflection staring back at you within a month.
Give it a go!
Note: If you're one of those wierdos who feel that you'd like to take the extreme approach of actually losing bodyfat then just reverse the rules above to see equally rapid fat loss. I don't know why you'd want to though!
Dax Moy -
About the Author:
Dax Moy is a performance enhancement specialist and master personal trainer with studios in and around London.
Voted one of the UK's leading fitness experts, Dax is a regular guest on TV, radio and print publications on the subject of health, fitness and the performance mindset
